Life has a funny way sometimes of just knocking you over. When I think back to the last few months, I have definitely been on a journey. Over this past summer, I was getting up pretty regularly to run in the morning around 5 am. I felt like my energy level was pretty high, and I was really positive. Life was going really well.

My husband and I found out we were expecting towards the end of the summer. I had my first ultrasound, and it was not good. I wasn’t progressing. There wasn’t a heartbeat. I had a second ultrasound shortly after and nothing had changed. Life all of a sudden got pretty stressful. I wasn’t bleeding or anything, and I needed to decide on next steps. I ended up having a medication induced miscarriage, and I will say it was pretty awful. Right before I took the medication, I got my nails done to help me feel a little better. Also, I scheduled a cut and color for my hair for after I starting taking the medication.

I can still remember how horrible I felt when I was getting my hair cut and colored. I had been going to a beauty school because I liked the person who had been cutting and coloring my hair. It was super inexpensive, and she did a fantastic job. She had graduated, and I had a new person. I had pain killers to take, but I just took some over the counter medicine before I left to get my hair done. Driving to the salon, I wished I had just taken the painkillers. The pain reminded me of how I felt shortly after I had Aiden and Jackson. Except this time, the outside world really had no idea what I was going through. One might say, why didn’t you stay home? I thought about that but what would I do if I just stayed home? What would really distract me from what was my current reality?

Anyway, it took what felt like an eternity that day to get my hair done. The person cutting my hair wasn’t very confident. Additionally, my hair wasn’t supposed to turn out platinum blonde but it did. My husband thought I looked like Khaleesi from Game of Thrones. I didn’t want to think about it. Getting my hair done was a reminder of the pain that I was in, and I just wanted to feel better.

I continued to go to work because, again, what was I going to do? Should I just sit at home? I just knew life had to go on, and I really didn’t want to tell my work. I wasn’t exactly sure what kind of response I would get, and I just wanted to push forward and past my current situation.

Shortly after this happened, we drove out of town for a family baptism. I wasn’t in the mood to travel but life goes on and time doesn’t stand still. It was fun getting to spend a weekend with family.

After we returned from the trip, our normal routine continued except that I was really tired and not running like I had been. There was so much blood after I started taking the medication, and I just was exhausted, even after it stopped. I was eating like crap, and I felt like garbage too.

Unfortunately, I didn’t find out until a follow up doctor’s appointment that one of the pills that would have helped with my bleeding etc. wasn’t available because pharmacies wouldn’t carry it. Some of the pain I was in could have been mitigated by this pill, but I didn’t have the option to take it. It apparently was the same pill that could be used to terminate a pregnancy. Let’s just say that I was more than a little furious upon learning this information. I had to have a miscarriage. It was going to happen, and I couldn’t have medication that would have made the process smoother for me because pharmacies had ethical issues with it. I wasn’t told this until after I had a follow up doctor’s appointment post miscarriage.

Additionally, I had to go in for blood work weekly to check and make sure my HCG levels (pregnancy hormone) was going down until it got to zero. I just wanted to be done with everything, but yet I was still getting doctor bills and blood work.

It was a long hard journey but it has made me a stronger person. My hair is longer now then it has been in a long time. There is a part of me that just doesn’t want to go get it cut just yet. I also have been just touching up my roots. I probably should go get my hair done sometime soon, but I think a part of me doesn’t want to go back to the last day I got my hair done. I will go to a regular salon this time, but I just need it to be the right time.

I have been wanting to write this blog post for a long time. I wanted to share my story with others because I think people need to hear it. I had never had a miscarriage before, and I know my mom friends have had their own experiences as well with miscarriages.

Finally, I know it is important to share experiences with others so we all know that we are not alone. Knowing what I know now, I would not advise a medication induced miscarriage. It is not something I enjoy talking about, but I understand how important it is to share my story, not just for me, but for other moms as well. If you are going through hard times at this moment please know that they will get better. Love yourself and let other people around you help when and where they can.

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